Message #40940

[guest587]

I think it becomes drama when we become selfish.

None of these things are bad. Do we include exercise in this list? Music, sensuality, movies. Not bad... Especially when we are sharing and enjoying with another. When we are learning... But when we start abusing these things to appease our lesser desires... regret, mutation, what we call *ugly* sensations begin to arise... Hopefully we recognize, hopefully we learn... hopefully we rise through with transcendental perception.

I had this thought today... People can say they know something but what we call knowing is often not knowing. We think we know, but we've not actualized. Once we actualize, I think then yes... Certain desires fall by the wayside.

I realize I am quite selfish... And it is an underlying cause to irritability, anxiety or worry. I also see there are things *out there* designed to entertain our monkey brain, designed to keep us distracted from experiencing the now as pure consciousness. The saving grace, is that these are lessons. And I believe the Masters are right to suggest that for many a single life is not sufficient to learn the lessons we came here to learn.

If I am to enjoy sensuality, I don't want it to be surface leveled. I want it meaningful, shared with an equal on the emotional and spiritual level. If I want to enjoy mindless relaxation, I want to at least be aware that this was my choice and to recognize when I am becoming too self absorbed.

Today I had such a strong desire to be touched I sent myself to get a massage. I specifically told my self no massage this month. I did it anyways. The music stopped working twice during the experience and I realize I was just a horny dog craving physical intimacy. When I got what I wanted, I was left feeling empty and with regret. I recognized the reality of what was, and the reason for being upset- not just because I couldn't hold my discipline but because I let fantasy steer me off course. Then, when the fantasy began to crumble, I realized how self absorbed I had become.

Misery making drama? Maybe... If I am doomed to forever repeat these mistakes. But fortunately I believe that's not the case. I do believe in Hope... and I have seen what it means to take the reins of ones life. Do we fall? Yes. Do we repeat undesirable behavior from time to time? Absolutely... But can we continue to dig and persevere... Can we rise through the challenge- can we transform? All, yes. Resoundingly so. And also fortunately God is willing to Help... I say this because I have been on the receiving end of Gods grace and I am overcoming much victim mentality which has allowed me to find the joy in reclaiming my health... And to experience moments of being present in the manner you have described above. We can feel this way, in a sea of movement.

We are here to Learn. We are here to Love. We are here to Forgive. We are here to Live.

And I believe being born in these bodies is also a way to learn, seeing as we are born so small and grow and grow and then become old and die(physically at least). And in that entire process we go through so many hormonal changes, balancing acts, not to mention the different grades of psychological/emotional processing paired to it all. So many grades, and it all seems at times like a perfect system, despite our contradictions.