Thank you Steve. I have to go back and read this. It really means a lot that you would care to provide all this information.
It turns out I do have addictive personality and I have learned that even though I have overcome alcohol addiction I still have this abstinence/reward mentality happening with different things.
I still love my coffee but have made peace with this addiction, now I make my own less caffeinated version and this works well.
I have gotten over alcohol- and I realize there are some *good* things I am addicted to... Like exercise, which is still practiced in a way that is healthy and not producing negative effects.
But then I realize a part of my addictive personality is coupled with novelty seeking behavior- and I have wired my brain to feel rewarded from watching pornography that does not even align with my sexual orientation. I can say this with confidence, because I sincerely questioned if I was bisexual but truly feel no deep emotion or innate lust for the same sex. I know the attraction is with women. And the kind of pornography I seem to be addicted to still has females in it, but there is more power play involved which also has something to do with my psychology and experiences.
But long story made short, I am not feeling bad I am actually quite happy to discover these things about my self with hopes that I can help rewire some circuitry in my brain... You see I realize through abstinence the brain is craving reward and coupled with stress or anxiety it is seeking release, and with my stamina increasing but my attempts to control compulsive behavior while being around sexy women- I find my brain encouraging me to look at pornography and even enjoying twisted perversions if there is no pornography present.
Really interesting... This made a lot of sense to me,
Using porn or porn fantasies that don't align with their innate sexual orientation can be a source of stress, anxiety, and even deep disgust for a subset of people. As The Good Men Project describes:
"...a user may keep testing to see if a particular porn genre is arousing—because he happens to find that prospect horrifying (and exciting). Then he masturbates to relieve the anxiety produced. He is like a person who can't stop checking to see if the stove turns off. Interestingly, addiction and OCD produce similar anomalies in the brain's reward circuitry. Satisfaction becomes more elusive and drives continued unwanted activity." (Wilson G. &.)
