Message #16232

[guest88]

hi steve. although i can agree with your statement i find that there are also situations where setting boundaries are important. like preventing from letting someone walk all over you-
i knew a young romantic who fell in love with a girl that did not reciprocate the feelings. i don't think this young man understood what it meant to be in a mutual loving relationship as it was his first serious and intimate crush.... in any case, although this man was an idealist and all for love, a lot of his personality was overwhelming/manipulative and insecure. what was worse was his self righteousness blinded him from seeing anything as his own fault(in the end there is no fault. we're just living our lives and i'd accredit this to the maturing process...) well he pursued the girl that wasn't interested with such an intensity and obsessiveness that eventually lead to a falling out of friendships. the young lady tried to communicate this with the man but he continually insist that he was just expressing his loving self and didn't think for a minute he was the problem... even when he was told direclty what the problem was... life had to be a certain way.
it was rather selfish to think the girl is the one who shut down when really it was the young man whose longing to experience life in the way he envisioned drove those close to him further away.
it wasn't until a year or more later after separation had occurred that i realized i was the one expressing the fear, possessiveness and jealousy... and still to this day i experience these things...
sure we can ask ourselves to judge another and make assumptions as to why they're acting the way they are- but if you don't take the time to examine yourself- ask what did you do to be where you are now- then you're only prolonging your suffering.
you're right, it takes quite a while to really get to know others... we have the ability to love... and sometimes expresing that love and opening up means letting others live life the way they choose- even if that means seperation of paths. a friend will respect that and try to move on. i suspect we can never fully understand someone because 1) we are not that person... their journey doesn't have to be the same as ours... and 2) i know people that even in 80 years of age say they're still learning something about thesmelves.