Perhaps that is part of the test my friend....to return kindness where we have been mistreated.
i may have realized this before but often my ego gets in the way. you know, i think of a love a parent has for their child. a parent watches their child through all phases of life and even if that child is embarrassed by their parents at an early stage in their development, the parent recognizes where their child is for having gone through similar phases but loves them just the same.... i apologize for dragging this out and i think i am on a stronger resolve now. you know i didn't know i'd love this person right away it grew overtime. i romanticized and obsessed. she was never feeling it the way i was even early in the relationship she wanted out. i was blind and refused to acknowledge her own needs. we quickly fell apart and i don't need to count either of our flaws but now just accept things at face value. she wanted out and i first refused then i became angry when it finally happened. i wanted to direct hate to this person but why? she never deserved hate. i can't hate her. i do love her. while she doesn't love me, if i love her and she wants me to leave her alone then i can respect that. it was very difficult and i made quite an ugly mess of things just to get to this point.... but i think about it like this now... there's still a hope... there's nothing glamorous in this for me, no comforting kisses or holding of each other but there's a chance to love this person still. even if she is embarrassed by our past, i don't have to publicize anything. i can keep this person in prayer and still feel love for them... and maybe one day i can be there for her. better and stronger. all i wanted was to be her pillar, her man. it became corrupt for so many reasons. it was my first real relationship. but i won't give up. i will love her still and try to take my ego, what i think i am owed out of this equation. it's just not that type of relationship. as you say i will have to be more observant of my own emotions down the road... but if she ever needed someone strong to be there for her, i hope to be there. to prove all i wanted was to be a part of her life. but for now, i let go... no more negative obsessions. no more grief. no care for who she's with either so as long as she's happy... and if i haven't screwed it up to bad, maybe she can trust to confide in me again one day down the road. maybe we can laugh together again.
friendships are tender and beautiful thing and eventually we'll get to an age where we aren't making any new one's but losing those around us....
peace
so here's to peace and love, renewed connections- comfort and trust... time to let go and wash away
