Hi Steve,
thank you for both replies. Your latest reply really resonates with me and definitely is fitting to the situation. I don't know where my original post came from but I am now living it to some degree, which is just- blowing my mind. God truly works in mysterious ways.
You are so right- "people resist change because they focus on what they have to give up instead of what they have to gain"
... I thought on this in the shower this morning... I have been trying to quit alcohol. It is very tough, especially in this family. I find I can go at least 12 days sober before I sink back. Usually by the third day I get "Bored" and want to sink back to a comfortable feeling of detachment. I battle with myself, I say- Okay well since I know I like this feeling then if I work on moderation I will be ok... I do Okay for a while but every now and then I get too comfortable and I slip up... More and more I find it is really just a selfish avenue where I mistake its familiar effects as a way to relax or as a social/comforting outlet... I do wish to embrace the change and I hope to be successful. I am trying...
Just recently I had multiple days off work. I work two jobs now to try and keep distracted but one is kind of like a self employed job so I dictate my own hours. I was doing okay with my drinking and started back up... Well needless to say I got to comfortable and got carried away on my last day off. Started in the morning with my Dad, ended up going until night time. I met up with a friend. after treating myself to a desert margarita- I drank more and even smoked(cross faded). At this point all self awareness was gone and I truly displayed some undesirable mannerisms, being quite belligerent and having diarrhea at the mouth. Long story short another friend came by and took us out for dinner and I ended up embarrassing myself, my friends and even a new acquaintance. I pushed my one friend to the edge where he yelled at me to get my act right in an extremely harsh tone- being called a POS, a MF, the whole nine yards. Being yelled at by someone I consider a brother is never a good feeling. Now he wants nothing to do with me. So, it's a bit sad.
Looking back at my previous post I feel it relates in some way to this situation... Yet, I do accept the responsibility because there is no one to blame except myself- I got carried away and played a fool tenfold. The more I think about it the more I realize, drinking is one of my darker, selfish desires. I will contact certain people during these inebriated moments to get more "fucked up" not to actually socialize but to send myself further away from a place of cognizance- This attempt to medicate myself is not an act of Love at all. For this reason I wish to quit and I do believe there will be some gains. I have lost friends and even, almost family members because of my over the top personality. It's not just with alcohol but I have technically died because of it at a much younger age.
So... while I know there are those who have the social graces to keep themselves in check once they start feeling a certain way- I just know if I get too buzzed an entirely new personality kicks in. I have been able to tame myself and make it seem like there is nothing to worry about at all- then I have these moments like above.... So I don't know if I should even try battling with it or maybe I just need to quit it altogether... TO experience the gains and to commit myself to a service of Love...
My end goal is to become more aware... And just because I am choosing a path of sobriety doesn't always mean I will remain 100% aware... But certainly cutting out the drugs and alcohol will help...
Anyways... In this instance an apology was necessary on my behalf and my friend wishes to remain friends but for now I've caused a hiccup in our relationship and he is staying far away from me for pushing him in a place that has caused him to lose his own peace.
At this time all I can do is continue to improve myself, find my own happiness as a result of becoming more self aware and Loving in service- so if the opportunity were to present itself... I can practice forgiveness, tolerance, kindness and allow Love to cure our discord.
Easier said than done.
Thank you again for all the Blessings... I am humbled by your post lately.
Kind Regards
Me