thoughts and reflections on broken relationships
some relationships are hard to process. it's strange to me that one could feel love for someone and in another moment intolerance all towards the same person. it isn't that love isn't there. this intolerance comes from within. there are things about others that disturb us because they seem contrary to our normal behavior. certain friends can only be experienced in 'small dosages.'
i've noticed that when i feel this way it is usually because i have outspoken friends who have not welcomed my views in the past and when i keep silent my absence is a blank canvas in which the other persons ideas about me are there to fill. usually i am seen as naive and so often i have friends tell me, "you remind me of myself" and my reservations produce feelings of similarity. they become drawn to their own ideas through me. i shouldn't care, but when i have friends that lean towards seeing the negative of life, who harshly criticize their own kind, i don't find opportune footing to share my experience. when i ask friends to exercise faith or should i wish to share with them thoughts of beauty and kriya yog philosophy, a sudden repulsion occurs. i instead have to tip-toe around the conversation having experienced the disdain for expressing my self. instead i endure as a"whipping post" of a friend and my sole function becomes a comfortable release for another's suffering.
these thoughts seem contrary to loving service but maybe this is a broken relationship. maybe it is my view that lacks faith. i know when we've peace in ourselves no outside force can disturb us. i believe with complete surrender in god, harmony is a result. i am bothered because i have friends that have shown their cynical side, whose personality would stamp out my own and still i feel a sense of love because i've seen that same love in them... could this be a type of karmic cycle that needs to be cut?
on a final tangent... i've read stories of people who believe to have met their partners from a past life and it almost always turns out those partners choose not to stay in touch because of some idea that said relationship no longer bears fruit... is this rude or wise? inayat khan says we should not trade love or even expect reciprocity... meditation takes the edge off... and so does leaving an unhealthy relationship. i don't pretend to have it figured out, i know for certain my own personality rubs plenty of folks the wrong way. i know my last serious relationship really went sour and that my first love also has little hope for me. sometimes i think relationships in general are a farce, but this is the ego speaking... i know any relationship is tough work but most people try because they don't want to feel alone. we get tired of our conception of ourselves too... can't help but think it's best to just meditate and not try to get caught up in any of this... simply disconnect from all these idea's, live in love, keep trying to love those broken relationships but just not become so attached.
ruminations of a confused heart... ay yiyi
